It's all Relative
One of the blessings of connecting with other moms who struggle in much the same way as our family is that we learn that we are not alone. It is incredibly freeing to be able to share our drama and have someone else say "Oh, yeah we have had that happen too!" It is even better when you talk about a behavior and have another mom say, "I am so glad I don't have to deal with that!"
It's easy to offer other moms solutions and suggestions about a particular behavior. It's really easy to sound therapeutic when you are not the one having to deal with the behavior in the moment and all the emotions that come with it. As a mom said in one of our facebook groups the other day "Yeah, I am a great parent to all your kids!"
What struck me is it is all relative! We don't think we can deal with a particular behavior until you are dealt that hand. It's easy to say, "I couldn't handle a child who does that!" and yet, when it is your child who is exhibiting that behavior what choice to do you have? It becomes a part of your day to day life.
Yesterday I was asked why my son was not in an RTC. My answer was easy. We are capable of maintaining him in our home with alot of supervision. He is never more than three feet from us when awake. We have cameras in 4 areas of our home and we also have door alarms and all bedrooms lock (from the inside). My husband is a stay at home dad and his primary care giver. Our psych cannot fathom that he is still in our home, but we made that decision when we adopted him to give him a home until we couldn't any longer and right now, we can. Is it the life we wanted? Nope. But for now, it is what we do. My other children and are 11 and 9. They are growing up in a very different home than I would've liked, but it is what it is and I think they will be better for it hopefully with a lot more empathy and patience. We try very hard to give each child one on one attention and keep them sheltered from most of the ugliness.
It is what it is.
It is all relative. You do what you need to do when you can do it.
Now, if I ever thought that we are not capable of keeping him and others safe, I would have to make the decision to move him to a group home. He is 18, we had a run in with Adult Protective Services last month. They assured us that they would be happy to find him an appropriate placement when we were ready to move him to a more restrictive living situation. I know I have an out if I need it. It is what keeps us going.
We have learned over the years that if w are both involved in dealing with a situation we will both get frustrated and burn out quickly. We try to tackle the issue alone and tag out if need be. That gives the other person a fresh perspective and the one who is frustrated the ability to completely walk away and decompress. If I am not the one that has been dealing with something for the last hour, I am much more ready to tackle it in a positive manner instead of dealing with it while I may be angry. It is all relative.
I have to remind myself, Step back, take a breath, and deal with the hand you are given. Try not to over react and exacerbate the issue. Once you begin opening a dialogue, and not allowing things to flumox you, it is much easier dealt with. Communication is key and remember it is all relative!